F*****g score you b*$!!!d!!!

The joys of Pro Evolution Soccer 4 (PC/Xbox etc)

The following is purely a load of old bollocks ranted by myself, and isn't to be taken seriously.  A blog is apparently a good place to express yourself, and after a marathon match fest on the Xbox last night, I want to share my pain… 🙂

I'm sure Computer AI in games has come along way since the days of Match Day 2 on the Speccy, but i'm still fairly convinced that PES 4 has a very simple random function at the beginning to determine whether you are going to win or not before you even kick a ball. 

Although I love this game, myself and some friends at work have concluded that there is somekind of "bastard algorithm" going on in this game which determines whether you score or don't score.
You could one day score a cracking goal from one position, and on another day from the same position with the same direction and same speed, same player… blah blah blah… and you blast the bloody ball over the bar. 

Therefore I am suggesting that hidden away in the C++ (etc.) source code there is a function which goes as follows… (ignoring the fact I don't actually know any C++ syntax, ahem)…

Function scoreGoal(team){
 Dim score
 score = random(1)*2  //We pick a number from 1 – 2

 if score = 1 then
  keeperMiss() //Call function to make keeper flap at ball, David James style. 
  team.score++; //Add a goal 
  scoreGoal = True 
  keeperCatch(team.player.current) //Call function to make keeper catch ball from specified player
  commentary("sarcastic comment") //Ooooh, that was close.
  scoreGoal = False
 end if

 Return scoreGoal

So bugger all the 1000 lines of code to make Rooney spin with pixel perfect precision without breaking his foot/neck/head/arse etc…  Some bastard has lifted the AI from a bloody Spectrum game and not bothered to update it!!

Also, on the odd occasion there comes a situation where a computer player is running through and *should* be unstoppable (Because the CPU has already decided this you see…). 
However, by a bizzare twist of fate I happen to catch up with them and put in a "fantastic" sliding tackle,hack,slash… whatever…  Because the computer wasn't anticipating this, and their player has been TOLD to score,  they magically "float"/"flick"/"cheat"/"jump" their way back onto the ball and pop it into the net.  So if the player is about a few metres away, they magically appear on the ball regardless.  Well done my son!

However, if your keeper saves,  and keeps saving… you'll guarantee that some turd will score eventually.  This could be mainly down to the function which the computer calls to disable your players and make them play like Dover Atheletic… (No, I haven't obtained a copy of the source code..)

Function makeComputerScore(){
 makeShite(playerTeam) //Make player team a big pile of festering poo
 do until scoreGoal(computer) = true
  //Computer MUST score or the world imploads.

 makeSemiShite(playerTeam) //Best bring them back up a tad, but still a bit shiter than the CPU

Also another inspirational "feature" is when the keeper catches the ball over the line, or turns with the ball which goes… over the line!.  However – no goal to be given? F"&!!!£££%%%!!!!!……..  Ah fair do's… it happens to both sides. :/

Apart from that… I love the game, it kills time… But a game to relieve stress?… It's killed a work colleague's collection of control pads, and my cursor keys are buggered at work because i've punched the sodding keys in frustration….

So no, it is like having to endure a woman on her time of the month X 10, and making a joke about it with her.  Ah well, hopefully Sensible Soccer 2006 will provide some welcome relief…

<end rant>


7 thoughts on “F*****g score you b*$!!!d!!!

  1. Hank May 26, 2006 / 3:28 pm

    Sod that Frank, what about the Master League offseason training? ARGH!

  2. Werner May 31, 2006 / 7:09 am

    He shoots, he scoooooooores!!!!!

    Oops, that was me again.

  3. fgasking May 31, 2006 / 8:07 am

    @Werner – Now you can f**k off too 🙂

  4. Werner June 7, 2006 / 8:34 am

    You can go and p1$$ off as well. Just look at this goal, what a cheat!

  5. Mayhem June 30, 2006 / 12:08 pm

    My brother and I call it “the cheat switch”. It’s been present in every WE/PES game since the start, even Konami’s programmers have admited it.

  6. Frank July 1, 2006 / 11:01 am

    The best thing found yesterday… against Werner (England V Brazil)….

    I cheated a penalty (much to Werner’s disgust 😉 ) … but then did a typical Beckham miss by hitting the post. Ball came back, and Beckham could have easily hit it in on the rebound…. What did he do?…

    He bloody just stood there!… didn’t move!…. Player still selected, frantic bashing of the cursor keys and shot button…. nowt… nothing… zip….


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